This is Marvin. I’ve spent my first few weeks here writing letters to several heads of state trying to get OldManMurray recognized as the official game site of their half-assed third world countries. Exciting as that is, I’m not gonna talk about it today. A couple of weeks ago, erik’s obsessive ongoing tirade against John Romero culminated in an inappropriate comparison to Archbishop Oscar Romero. Seeing as John Romero is a globetrotting industrialist and therefore too busy to respond himself, and, furthermore, seeing as he is completely unaware of our existence, and also seeing as how his hippie hair makes him look like a defenseless mexican peasant girl, I’ve taken it upon myself to create a rebuttal for him in chart format. John Romero
 | erik
 | | Has designed some of the greatest games of all time. | Owns every game system. | | Wrote Wolfenstein instead of going to college. | Played Wolfenstein instead of going to college. | | Millionaire. | Assumed role of millionaire superhero Reed Richards in the Fantastic Four game for Playstation. | | Owns ferrari. | Rented copy of Porsche Challenge for Playstation. | | Drag races his sports cars with other celebrities and posts results in much read .plan file. | Unsuccessfully tried to get chet to turn head and look at second place ranking on high score screen of Porsche Challenge for Playstation.. | | Has lovely girlfriend who adores him. | Saved girlfriend from punks in Double Dragon (arcade version). Talks about it. A lot. | | Probably knows how to fish. | Slowly getting better at Trophy Rivers. | | Has stylish long hair. | Chose gayest character portrait in Ultima Online, then claimed game sucked when he couldn’t figure out how to change it. | | Talent allows him to enjoy storybook life. | Romero obsession helps pass time until death. | That about does it. Oh wait, there’s one more: John Romero bought his mother a house, christ she must be proud. Erik: orphan.
Keep your feet on the ground, keep reachin for the stars, and try not to be such goddamn fruits.
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