| Sometimes after an evening
spent enjoying a few of my favorite single player drinking games such as "Fast
Drinker Deluxe" and "Schnapps Commander" I imagine what it would be like to
always wonder whether or not every person I meet during a typical day had just finished
jerking off to photographs of my vagina. What for me is idle conjecture will soon be
a real concern for Ion Storm level designer Stevie "KillCreek" Case who announced this week that she will
be collaborating with Playboy Enterprises, Inc. to
create and sell snapshots of her large boobs. I think I "speak" for Chet,
Marvin, the U.S. Postal Service, and Adrian Carmack when I stand
straight up and begin to slowly, deliberately clap. Bravo, girlfriend. Since
Stevie's obviously aware that Playboy is primarily a masturbation tool for men, I hope she
won't feel any less empowered when I respectfully request she include a few shots of her
ass. And if she could make sure that her ass is glistening with sweat or water from
a hose, that would be great. If the thought that Levelord will inevitably put Ms. Case's side project to
its intended use creeps her out, I apologize. If it causes her to reconsider, I
apologize even more stridently and, quite sincerely, take everything back. I wish I
hadn't put that Levelord image in your head,
Stevie. Allow me to rebut myself by telling you that the very attractive Paul Steed
will probably yank himself senseless. In fact - to paraphrase a cartoon I read once
- picture him, cock in one hand, hand workout device in the other, screaming "John
Carmack, come quick! I jerked it right off!"
In case you're wondering what patriarchy-inverting, beauty-myth smashing activities and
promotions KillCreek has in store past her fuck-book debut, I've come up with a few
suggestions:
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Peeing while standing has been the exclusive domain of men since the
sea-penis flew out the boiling pre-historic ocean and attached itself to a male monkey's
urine spout. What can a woman do to even the odds? Cut off a man's penis, and
he just grows another. So if you can't "beat 'em", "join 'em!" -
pee standing up using one of several commercially available devices such as the
"TravelMate" pictured at left. I think it would be a great KillCreek
endorsement for many reasons, not least of which is that it might involve pictures of her
using it. |
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Has there ever been a greater enemy of women than the human penis?
Though it has been both feared and worshipped throughout the ages, modern polymer science
has now created an inflatable novelty version suitable for punching. In my proposed
ad, KillCreek is pictured having just convinced Latino gender-traitor John Romero to take
a swing at it. Note Todd Porter's faggy delight. |
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"Go for the tit! The tit, you idiot!" I imagine I'd scream
were I to attend an exhibition of my proposed wymyn's topless boxing league starring
KillCreek. Who would have thought men would someday become obsolete even for boxing?
Not me, but here we are, as they say. |
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