OMM News Archive (1999-03-03

Game Developer In Bidding War For Save Game 1999-03-10 Erik

Check out this ebay auction and look at the high bidder. You might be pleasantly surprised.

This might be why id is able to so consistently deliver product - they outsource their leisure time game playing. Thanks to an anonymous tipster for this one.

Peter Molyneux - Some Kind Of Imbecile? 1999-03-09 Erik

God help me, I visited Next-Generation.

Let's get this out of the way first: blah blah blah he invented Populous. In some murky combination of interview and press release, Peter Molyneux has made the following statements:

"I was interested to hear that Sony is to use 'Emotion Synthesis', which focuses particularly not just on how images look, but how in-game characters think, act and behave,"

Ah, yes, interesting... someone's finally utilizing Emotion Synthesis. I wonder if he takes every wacky Japanese mistranslation and transparent marketing ploy this seriously: "Mates, I've got terrible news. Just booted Arkanoid and... someone's been trapped in a space warped, by someone!". Here's a quote from 1991: "I was interested to hear that Sega is to use 'Blast Processing', which focuses particularly not just on how images look, but on how they are blasted through the processor"

Later in the interview Mr. God Game proclaims:

"PlayStation 2 is the most exciting entertainment machine I can ever imagine."

Personally, I can still imagine a more exciting entertainment machine - one that has more direct interaction with my penis for instance.
He concludes by once again referring to his apparently stunted imagination:

"It is rather hard to imagine a world where the PlayStation 2 does not emerge as the winner in this race."

I'm not saying I disagree with him, I'm just calling him dumb.

Next Generation Publicly Fellates 989 Studios 1999-03-09 Erik

Saw this on Teens Missing Their Panties.

I wish I could simply use my imagination to dream up things this funny. The intrepid newshounds at Next Generation have scored a real scoop: 989 Studios has announced that its highly anticipated PC title EverQuest has become the most anticipated online title of 1999! Everything but the exclamation point is, I swear to God Game creator Peter Molyneux, just as they reported it. The proof of this unprovable statement? Jeffrey Fox, Vice President of Marketing for 989 Studios says so. You don't get to be Vice President of Marketing without a real commitment to unadorned truth telling, so I'm with Next Generation - this is the real deal.

Mackenzie Phillips Taking It One Day At A Time 1999-03-08 Erik

Saw this on CNN.

Game site webmasters have once again been dealt a cruel blow by the death of a celebrity - Stanley Kubrick. I thought maybe this bit of positive celebrity news might help them cope in their time of grief. Mackenzie Phillips has kicked her $1000.00 a week coke habit and, sensitive game journalists take note, it appears that she will not be dying any time soon. The guy who played Schneider could go at any second though. Come to think of it he may already be dead, in which case today's news is dedicated to his living memory and his friends and family including Alex Van Halen who's a big fan of the site and a great kisser. I mean, that's what I've heard.
Next loonygames top story: Lou Diamond Phillips, what a gem!

Saved Game Fire Sale 1999-03-07 Chet

Saw this on GameCenter. Who knew they were good for more than Mark Asher's column?

Seems some genius sold his Ultima Online character to an idiot for $521. If there's one thing we recognize, it's the pungent scent of a burgeoning get rich quick scheme; so we've decided to whore out our precious saved games. Listed below are some items that are available for a limited time only (in other words, act now!)

Item Desc	Price
Myth 2 saved game. erik has gotten to about the 10th map with two veteran dwarves that have survived every mission! This one would be a steal at thrice the price! Includes a signed copy of erik's monograph "How to get to nearly the eleventh board of Myth 2 with two veteran dwarves intact." Not that you'll need it, since you'll have the saved game.	$9.95
Half-Life saved games right before every cool section. The games are named in such a way that it's very easy to figure out which one's which. These saves represent literally hundreds of man hours spent discovering and cataloging the absolute best moments in Half-Life. We play the games, so you don't have to! How much do you think this is worth (don't look at the price at the right)? Did you say one hundred dollars? I think you're going to be pleasantly surprised by our limited time only absolutely fucking crazy price of 10.95!	$10.95
The name "Smoked Sausage" for quake 1 multiplayer CTF. Particularly good on the CNN clans CTF server. People will say Hi to you. I have not used this in a little bit, but still valuable.	$12.95
BlackAdder on StarSiege Tribes. Not our #1 character, but a solid team player with some really well thought out key bindings. Includes a limited edition collector's plate commemorating last week's lunch by still having some kung-pao chicken stuck to it.	$15.00
The reputation I have with my 12 year old nephew for never losing a triple play game against him. This only covers the Playstation version of the game.	$12.95
About ten tons of inscrutable crap that Sonic Adventures has been been compiling on our VMS. A real goldmine for Japanese language scholars and kids under 3 as the VMS is small enough to fit comfortably in a toddler's mouth but slightly overlarge to fit down its throat.	$49.99
My hearts username on MS's Zone. I have a 1710 rating and a reputation as a real bad dude and an even worse loser.	$25.00

Helpful New Feature 1999-03-07 Erik

Americans, you can safely ignore this.

Realizing that many of our UK clan mates are right buggered by the ever increasing size of our news page, I've archived our January and February updates and designed and programmed a handy navigational tool somewhere to the left of this sentence. I'll archive the news about once a month so that you low bandwith european bastards don't have to sit there nibbling your gentleman's savory teacakes, or visit the loo, or simply daydream about pirating your next footie management simulator whilst waiting for the page to load.

That was a cheap shot. I'm retracting it right now. I'd like to offer these Rammstein lyrics as an olive branch:

I want to ride your tears
Over your chin to Africa
And search between your thighs
For last year's snow

Well that was pretty stupid. What the hell's wrong with you people? And what about that Hitler? Not to mention soccer. And France.

Daikatana To Be Further Delayed By Paternity Suit. 1999-03-06 Chet

Its all over the news, check it out here.

Primate Sign Language Basics:

That chimp is a lying whore

Want Can of Soda and Dolly

Y2K problem? No fella, bitch better have my money or her Y2K problem havin ass gonna be for sale on tha street. Shit.

After winning the Daikatana DM demo tourney, the Helpful Daikatana Monkey embarked on a cross country orgy of banana peel smoking and foul language signing that would make the American Heritage Talking Dictionary blush. After three days of frantic inquiries, we finally tracked him down to the Hollywood Palm Hotel on North Highland. We picked him up, hosed him down, changed his diaper, and thought the matter closed.
But a few days ago a certified letter arrived addressed to the Helpful Duke Nukem Forever Monkey. At first, we thought nothing of it, as such a helpful monkey is always in demand by the various game companies, who often lobby him by cleverly changing his name. Then we read it.
The letter was from the L.A. cops. It seems Mr. Monkey broke into the Los Angeles Zoo, knocked up two resident chimps, gave them a fake name and split.

When confronted, the signed denials flowed like so much semen from the swollen head of an aroused monkey penis. At first it was total denial. After persistent questioning, he claimed they were whores; booth chimps introduced to him in Texas by an Eidos marketing rep. Finally, the tears started and the signing became "Come hug. Want toothbrush. Want dress up clothes. Want dolly." repeated over and over.

Did he do it? Probably. Although he's got some rudimentary language skills and is able to design a nice level, the Helpful Daikatana Monkey is still a monkey and, as such, will fuck anything, especially other monkeys and chimps.

Expect Daikatana to be further delayed by this setback.

State Of The Wood - BiWeekly Recap And Digest 1999-03-06 Marvin

A new service for the community.

February 26th, 1999:
Redwood is still enjoying his cable modem. He's happy with his ICQ upload throughput. His system still seems to be freezing, but at least he's not getting disconnected "multiple" times a night (the multiple disconnects statement is immediately followed by a smiley, so it's possible that this was an exaggeration - ed.) Thanks to his newly reduced ping, he can successfully mount Quake play dates with his UK clan mates. He has talked to Tim Willits, and gotten to the bottom of this Tim Willits .plan pulling episode.

February 28th, 1999:
Redwood has not had any lockups since the two reported on the 26th. He continues to be vexed by the instability of winamp, but softens his obvious displeasure with a well-placed smiley. He has just seen Vampires (on DVD no less) and proceeds to express absolutely no opinion of it with the following statement: "It was not a horrible movie but certainly not the greatest."

March 1st, 1999:
Redwood is no longer experiencing lockups or has simply let the matter drop - it is not mentioned in this update. He has seen Office Space and feels that, while it is funny, it is not as funny as Something About Mary. He does think that the movie is required viewing for anyone who works in an office. Apparently, the movie contains images of a building he is familiar with, which delights him.

Daikatana Death Match Tournament News! 1999-03-04 Chet

You will only see this here!

From a hidden camera smuggled into the tournament: many celebrities attended the event including Paul Steed and Bigfoot, one of whom is pictured above.

Did not attend.

So what happened to the February Daikatana Death Match Tournament?
It was held, and then the results and action were sealed. We had to wait until we consulted with our lawyer, J. David Ingersoll, before we could break this story.
On Feb 21, top gamers from around the world flew to a secret location deep in central Texas to compete in the first ever Daikatana Death Match Tournament. Our team was led by the Helpful Daikatana Monkey.
Final outcome? The monkey took it hands down. Thresh, fearing that such a beating by a such a helpful monkey might adversely affect his ability to publicly expound on his great friendship with John Carmack, petitioned IonStorm demanding that the results of this tournament be permanently sealed. John Romero, fearing more public ridicule about his girlish hairstyle and pretty mouth, caved immediately.
You will not see the tournament mentioned on any other game site. An NDA was secured from every participant but one. Marvin was supposed to sign it, but lucky for us he left early to phone in anthrax scares to several Texas abortion clinics while it was still a local call. No one else will ever mention the tournament. Thresh's - and several other beaten "Super Nerds" - standing in the community remains intact.
We, on the other hand, are stuck with a monkey that is not only smart enough to help design Storm Sector Twelve, but now has a giant ego about his DM abilities - since the tournament, he simply refuses to wear his diaper or run the sweeper on sabbath.
Potential advertisers take note: thanks to the Helpful Daikatana Monkey's skyrocketing Primate-Q rating, we are now the number one game site among both apes and gorillas, which includes the coveted gorillas who know sign language demographic.
Tomorrow I may post some private email between The Helpful Daikatana Monkey and Todd Porter.

Playstation 2 To Usher In New Era Of Underage Girlfriend Simulation 1999-03-03 Erik

Christ this is everywhere. Pick a site at random. I like this one.

	This chart was on Next Generation without explanation this morning then disappeared. It clearly shows how the emotion engine outperforms the Intel chipset when rendering upskirt shots of thirteen year old schoolgirls.
	A demo was shown which featured the camera panning around a beautiful eighteen year old girl. Sony executives assured the attendees that, as the development tools matured, the girls would become "much, much younger."
	As expected, the camera quickly moved up the girl's skirt to reveal panties rendered with several million triangles and lit in such a way that the blood engorged lips of the labia were clearly visible straining against the delicate cotton fabric. Suddenly, to the astonishment and delight of the assembled Japanese press corps, the camera proceeded to travel up the girl's vagina, performed two complete orbits around a cyst growing on her left ovary, then penetrated the growth and ended by skimming the surface of the papillary follicular tissue within the cyst (pictured at left.)

<-Previous Page Next Page->