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2001-11-11 Staff
Slivovitz is a dry, colorless plum brandy. Bingo is way for churches to legally steal from old women. Slingo is an addictive combination of playing bingo while drunk on alchoholic pancake syrup. Next up from Hasbro Interactive: Yoot Ass - a mixture of Yoot Tower and Asses.

Hidden and Dangerous
2001-11-11 Staff
I haven't played this and I never will. I just yelled over to chet and he says he won't play it either. You're on your own. I will say this: As military simulations go, this one really could have benefitted from a better title - Silent But Deadly.

K. Thor Jensen's Black & White
2001-11-02 Staff
Like Beetlejuice, call my name I appear
Stick to linguistics, the master is here
An itching, a burning, a flame in your ear
Lyrically redeeming you binary queers
With MC's hand on this MC's controller
Kickin back whiskey and watching the bowlers
Explain it to you like a babe in a stroller
Classic hits simple like Lieber & Stoller
Game design orbits two different axes
Simple like Tetris or complex like taxes
Platforms dictate what sells to the maxes
Think of a Game Boy and designer relaxes
But a Pentium 8 or whatever the fuck
Designers feel they should fill up the truck
With bells, whistles, atomic missiles, and a 3D engine that excels in mapping the bristles on your Momma's ass, and if there's any luck
Gameplay pokes it's head up and you make a buck
So K. Thor Jensen's Black & White, the new hit from France
Where you rub a cow's crotch and watch it breakdance
Takes 50 hours, but give it a chance?
Eat a dick, Molyneux, you big-headed nance.
Me, I use consoles for my free-time filler
Now it's Final Fantasy Tactics and, yeah, Mister Driller
A super-dense slog and a simple time-killer
But neither sold as much as a hit by Steve Miller or U2 or Shabba-Doo or what have you.
My point that I'm making is that you shouldn't be faking
Like you're on some higher plane just because the earth is shaking
When you walk by or 'wave your hand'
You're not evolved because you memorized the keyboard commands
Better back up your savegame, Roop, because I'm back up to lay blame
On your faggoty ass for your half-witted lame flame
About Monty shooting sperm like he didn't already bring your mom to full term
New York, Eastsiders, keeping it real
So go click your creature, teach it how to feel
Spend a few hours with your mouselook of steel
I'll be dunking Mr. Do like my name was Shaquille
And having a good time - and that shit is real.


Bill 'Shoot the Survivors' Elvey's The Sims
2001-09-30 Staff
One of those rare games that is such an embarrassment to play, your girlie will actually play it with you. But don't be fooled into thinking she is starting to like video games, you two are just engaging in a cyber version of playing house. Next thing you know, she will have you walking her dolly down the street in a baby carriage.

PlanetAnachronox.com's Anachronox
2001-09-30 Staff
According to Erik, after the first 5 or 6 hours this game really begins to shine. According to me, after 5 or 6 hours of polishng my own shit, it will begin to shine. Doesn't mean I am going to spend the time polishing my shit. You spent $40 bucks for the game, why do you need to spend 5 hours playing before it gets good?

Anne Pak's Diablo 2
2001-09-30 Staff
Point, click, raise status bar. If people came with status bars and a ranking system, we would all be buff and level 34 humans.

Jim's Mario's Sid Meier's Antietam
2001-09-30 Staff
While many men in the entertainment industry have come right out and admitted their love of Judy Garland and The Wizard of Oz, I am not sure why Sid chose to hide his special love. I have never seen Auntie Em spelled in this manner before, but all you had to do is say Jim's Mario's Sid Meier's Antietam quickly, and you know who Sid really loves.

I also have no idea what all this monkeyless fighting has to do with the Wizard of Oz but I guess that is why Sid is a gaming genius and I am not.

Craig,Dave,Chris,Steve,And Antonio's Pool of Radiance 2: Assault on Myth Drannor
2001-09-30 Staff
The post release name of the game is, Craig, Dave, Chris, Steve, And Antonio's Pool of Radiance 2: Assault on your operating system.

As an added bonus, if you can actually notice the 3rd Edition D&D rule changes to the combat system vs the 2nd Edition rules, you might want to invest in clothes you can wear outside your parents house.

Command & Conquer:Red Alert 2
2001-02-12 Staff
Kudos to the Westwood team for working in so much cleavage. How many times can you have Tanya lean over a map? - Every cut scene I guess.

2000-10-27 Staff
This is what is wrong with an on-line only game. Sure this is a fun game - but if you bought this now you are screwed. No one is playing it on-line. Your average shopper will see this for a low price and think, "My kid is always on-line playing games. He loves space sims. He will love this game!" and they will plunk down the money. Here's hoping their kid really, really likes the training missions.

M&M's:The Lost Formulas
2000-10-27 Staff
Wander the streets of LA with Eminem and Dr. Dre looking for that magic spark of a hit record. Not to ruin the game - but the secret is violence against women and gays.

Defending the Reich
2000-10-27 Staff
You have seven days to revise history and clear Hitler's name. Are you up to it?

SWAT 3:Elite Edition
2000-10-27 Staff
This is a free upgrade if you own SWAT 3 (and you should). This improves the best game I played this year that was released last year. With Sierra's prior track record of support, I can only imagine this new level of free support Sierria is displaying is something they learned from Gabe Newell and Valve.

If you do not own SWAT 3, go to the bargain bin and pick up the greatest single player game since Half-Life.

X-Tension (stand alone expansion for X:Beyond)
2000-10-27 Staff
How poor do sales have to be that your expansion pack is a stand alone? To be honest, X-Beyond may be the best game ever published by SouthPeak Interactive, not like that is saying much.

BACKSTAGE PASS:The Ultimate Rock & Roll Trivia
2000-10-27 Staff
Want to impress your friends by knowing who has the 3-4 inch penis? Check out Groupie Central before you sit down and play Backstage Trivia.

Lotus Challenge
2000-10-27 Staff
Finally a game has just come out and admits that it really is work. In Lotus Challenge you are given 7 days to learn the old spreadsheet software Lotus and write 12 working macros. Complete the game and you earn 2 credits at your local community college.

2000-10-27 Staff
Yo! Yo! Yo! The brothas answer to Railroad Tycoon.

Submarine Titans
2000-10-26 Staff
What happens when complete assholes make a completely crappy game?

Kiss Psycho Circus: Nightmare Child
2000-10-24 Staff
Should be named - old lady talking nightmare.

Crimson Skies
2000-10-16 Staff
Crimson Skies may be a genre mixing flight sim but the only new genre mixed in is meditation. During the game, each and every menu click is followed by 2-3 meditation minutes. While others might find this annoying - I found it the perfect time to chant my meditation word or read an entire article from teen people.

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