| Yes I am in serious legal trouble and I'm in prison.
To any of you wanting to test your mad litigating skillz against me in criminal or
civil court: The line forms behind Verant Interactive and the
states of Ohio and Kentucky. I've had to spend the last couple of weeks whittling my
toothbrush into a proper shank, cause I swear to sweet Mohammed I'm gonna stick this one
motherfucker he keep sweatin me. Having said that, I don't want to become the gaming
world's Lenny Bruce, going on and on about my legal troubles and the
tyranny of the system. However, having said that, if, like Lenny Bruce, I
ever manage to sleep with the 60's era Anne Margaret, I promise you that
you won't ever hear the end of it. While I've been incarcerated, Chet and I
have talked about this scenario extensively, and, if it happens, the site will immediately
be renamed "I Screwed Anne Margaret." News updates will consist of
anything I happen to remember about the experience such as "Anne Margaret's Thighs
Smell Like Baby Powder And Rose Petals" and "At Four AM, When Anne Margaret Is
Fast Asleep And Her Red Hair Is Spread Across The Pillow Like Her Head's On Fire, She
Looks So Peaceful That You Won't Want To Disturb Her By Gently Reaching Over And Grabbing
Her Left Tit, But You Probably Will Anyway." I appreciate all the supportive
cards and letters, and don't appreciate quite as much all the resumes
being sent to Chet. I'm not dead yet. At the advice of my good friend and mentor James Lipton, I've always
tried to maintain an opaque barrier between my personal life and my art. Many
regular readers would be surprised to discover, I think, that I'm attracted to Seanbaby, undereducated, afraid of chet, and concerned
over the coming Christian Apocalypse - actually I'm mostly concerned for
my agnostic partner, as the bumper sticker on my desk clearly states: In case of Rapture,
office will be unmanned, except for chet. It was while I was writing our
aborted Father's Day special, The Five Worst Motherfuckers in Gaming,
that I received the fiftieth piece of mail requesting we report on John Romero's hype hair-care tips,
and decided to break the fourth wall and address you all directly as myself.
In the olden days, before John Romero was obviously aware of our
existence, his publicity fiascoes could be approached as guileless exercises in public
humiliation. Now, however, it's a different story. Romero's no dummy, or at
least he's smarter than we are, as evidenced by the fact that we're writing about
him. So knowing that he's fully aware that his antics are going to draw our
attention, and knowing that he knows that we know that he knows, the only rational
conclusion is that he's plotting something. What? If we knew that, the entire
staff of Ion Dallas would be in prison. But as the very nice Texas
State patrolman told is in May, "It's not a crime until they actually
release Daikatana. Sorry boys, my hands are tied." So
for now, we wait. And watch. You're move, amigacho. Plus,
looking at Romero's glistening mane, does it surprise anyone that he has developed a
complex and quite fruity regimen of brushing and egg washes to maintain it?
Speaking of chicken ovums, it seems that Dr. Derek Smart Ph.D. reacts
to negative reviews in much the same way cranky old suburbanites respond to having their
houses egged by teenagers: he stands outside in his bathrobe stamping his little feet and
muttering to himself for three hours. Computer Games
Online reviewed
Smart's life's work, BC3K, giving it a rather generous
F- (1.5/5). Within hours, the good doctor had crafted a multi-thousand word thesis the gist of
which is that they should have, like the much more competent reviewers at the print rag
Voodoo Magazine, awarded the game an F+ (5/10). Thankfully, he didn't feel
the need to break out his very collectible race card for this piece. Smart followers
weren't so lucky during his impassioned
rebuttal to another bad review, in which he helpfully points out that:.
after a lot of work in the face of some serious competition,
adversity, personal attacks on my person, my work, my friends, my qualifications and the
very authenticity of my existence in the industry (I think I'm the only black elite
game developer in the industry)
Until reading that article, I, for one, wasn't aware of the fact
that Derek Smart is a negro. In light of this new information, I'd like to apologize
to him for any personal attacks on his person and state for the record that Battleship
3000 is a pretty good game. You know, considering... |
