Remington Upland Game Hunter
1999-02-20 Staff | Does the hunter crowd even know what this shit means? Upland? What? Do you stand on a hill with your "REMINGTON RIFLE" and shoot at kids playing soccer? They should be more descriptive, Shoot Bambi and Thumper. I can just see the conversation this game starts in the local walmart.
Idiot #1 "Wahl, [spit] I lahked thet thar deer hunter game, and this watchamacallit duck huntin' was fahn, but it jes ain't manly eenuff fer tha likes a me"
Idiot #2 "Hell, no. Thet thar erik from OldmanMurray a-used ta hunt cape buffalo with a hand gun, thet was real huntin'"
Idiot #1 "sheeeeet"
Idiot #2 "Goddamn right, sheeeeet. This rifle, bow sheet's fer Junior, I want ta kill thangs lahk a man"
Idiot #1 "Sheeet, you know eht. Me and m' gun - M' hand gun"
Idiot #2 "Thet thar erik sho is the manliest sumbitch I reckon t'ever did see."
Idiot #1 "yep. reckon you got sumthin thar. Pardner. Weeel, let's commence tha killin."
While we're all basking in the warm glow of post-sarcasm superiority, I'd like to point out that the games these okies like so much only simulate the killing of turkeys and deer and other worthless denizens of the big blue marble. Our much more sophisticated tastes demand nothing less than the most sadistic simulations of human killing ever created. So get off your high horse, Pointdexter.
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MEGAPAK 9
1999-02-11 Staff | Mega Crap is known for one thing. Packaging other peoples games in some plastic wrap.
They are probably the densest people I have ever sent E-Mail to...
Buy something from megamedia and help the mentally handicapped. Or better yet, never buy anything from these half-wits and save the world.
I just can't wait for their tired warmed over RTS called Submarine TItans... blech.....
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Close Combat 3: The Russian Front
1999-02-01 Staff | The best war game ever? I have not played it enought to do a long review (though I am planning on it).
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HERETIC II
1999-02-01 Staff | Raven has a previously spotless track record of creating games I don't like. Amazingly, though, I REALLY enjoy Heretic 2. It's just a great, fun game. I don't have anything mean to say about it, and I'm in a pretty bitter mood today. That Redwood guy kinda seems like a moron. How's that for ya? Redwood doesn't have anything to do with Heretic 2, except that his bland Varsity Blues watchin ass probably liked it - because it's a real spiffy game. That freakin guy has the balls to never express a negative opinion about anything and then post how much he hates The Opposite Of Sex, which is a good movie, and THEN say how he enjoyed the idiotic Varsity Blues. I mean for chrissake... Jesus... Go visit Marvin's Fun Page For Epileptic Japanese Kids.
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Sim City 3000
1999-02-01 Staff | I am a giant fan of simcity. But it has one problem. One big problem. It has the M.U.L.E. problem. There is nothing wrong with the game for the designers to improve. Simcity 2000 brought over what was missing in the original. Everything new in 3000 is a big so what. The manual sucks, they made building bridges/freeways more complicated. I don't know. This one just leaves me dry.
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Temujin with hint book
1999-01-21 Staff | Couldn't bring myself to actually play this game, but I read the hint book in the crapper. Anyone looking for tips and/or tricks should post your questions in the forum.
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Ultima VIII Pagan
1999-01-19 Staff | I really enjoyed piloting the space shuttle in Ultima 1. They removed that in Ultima 2 and I haven't liked any of them since. Could the "Ascension" tag line for Ultima 9 refer to ascending to the stars in a space shuttle? I hope so.
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Coffee Break Games
1999-01-19 Staff | Another potential Ion Storm option burner. I heard some of the games to be included were:
Get Todd Porter's Hand Off My Ass
Quit Before Lunch
Did John Romero Just Call Me A Bitch In Spanish?
Where In Dallas Is Warren Spector? (Hint: don't bother looking in the Ion Storm Offices)
More!
As released by someone else, though, it's just some crappy parlor games.
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Make Your Own Opoly
1999-01-19 Staff | Maybe Ion Storm should take a cue from these guys and simply release the Daikatana tools now as Make You Own Katana. That way, they could get the damn thing out the door and I could finally get busy on BigBassFishingDerbyKatana.
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Spearhead
1999-01-19 Staff | The title of this game reminds me of a great C64 title called Beachhead. I loved that crazy game. A spearhead is a key component of a spear which a savvy virtual fisherman could use to stalk his virtual prey. Sadly, spearhead contains no fishing. I cannot reccomend it.
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M.I.A.
1999-01-19 Staff | The already always-cranky wargame fanatics should become even more irrascible when they discover that even though the box picture leads one to believe that you'll be rescuing POWs, M.I.A. in this case stands for My Itchy Ass. The game is a variation on Hungry Hungry Hippo where instead of feeding a hungry hippo, or rescuing long forgotten prisoners from "gooks", you're itching your own itchy ass. Why does your ass itch so much? The manual doesn't say. May I suggest it's because of all the hours spent sitting on it eating potato chips and pretending to fight the great battles of Alexander?
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Trophy Rivers
1999-01-19 Staff | erik: so last night i'm just sitting around watching gay porn and I decided to try a fishing game
chet: wait a minute... You played a fishing game?
That's right. After years of fishing game bashing, I've come to discover that I actually like fishing games. I can't say whether THIS fishing game is better than any of the other ones, but it seems good enough. I also can't tell you how it compares to real fishing because I don't know how to real fish. With all the special equipment and boats and rubber bugs and different kinds of string that are involved, i imagine I'd have better luck designing, manufacturing, and piloting my own space shuttle than actually capturing a fish. But, and I want to stress this point, just as my very limited policing skills have not hindered my enjoyment of Virtua Cop II, a lack of fishing experience seems to have no impact on playing Trophy Rivers. I mean, I caught some fish baby. And it was fun. Also, as I get older, I'm becoming more alarmed by the senseless violence portrayed in nearly all games; essentially implicit in the very defintion of the different game genres. Fishing games are non-violent. Unless you count violence towards fish - in which case they're pretty over the top. Because that's something else I've discovered: I don't like fish very much.
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Monty Cantsin's Maurice Ashley Teaches Chess
1999-01-19 Staff | Ion Storm almost picked this up as one of its option burning titles. Stolen internal emails reveal they were going to call it "Monty Cantsin's Maurice Ashley Checkmates You in Five Moves, Bitch"
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Head Rush
1999-01-09 Staff | Please, do not mix this game with masturbation. Let INXS's Michael Hutchence be a lesson for all you young kids out there trying to mix head rushes and masturbation.
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Starsiege Tribes
1999-01-09 Staff | Here is our original review:
Internet only deathmatch games are kind of like communism. It may seem like a good idea, but eventually it falls apart because people suck. Sometimes you just need to not play with others.
Here is our retraction and apology for that review:
We're sorry. We retract our previous, bad review of Tribes. It is one of the top 5 games of all time. The amazing feeling of flight, the beauty of the terrain, the incredible stability of the game -RIGHT OUT OF THE BOX! - all contribute to its greatness. We play it often and we dream about it at night.
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Caesar's Palace Craps
1999-01-09 Staff | All the famous craps are in here. This CD is a must have for you scat fans. See Don Rickles clenching his teeth in pain as he tries to let the big one loose. Frank Sinatra refused to allow a crap to be filmed, but he does have an engaging wipe scene. All the rat pack's Caesar's craps on this CD and more. For a very limited time, the CD "Flamingo's Pisses" is being bundled with this title, make sure to check at the time of order to see if it is available.
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Games People Play
1999-01-09 Staff | The successful sequel to Games People Don't Play.
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Monopoly World Cup France 98 Edition
1999-01-09 Staff | Finally! I am so sick of "American Rules" Monopoly. Often while I taunt the French or French looking as I drive around town, they would scream out the only retort they could that could sink deep under my skin and hurt me.... "You American pig, you could never win the France Monopoly World Cup!" Ahh... it hurt. They were right. But now I am set to practice, practice, practice until I am king of French Monopoly. For those of you not familiar with French Monopoly, it is similar to USA Monopoly but with some minor twists. 1. You have to put $500 in the pot if you have bathed within the last week. 2. Your piece must take every 12th turn off. 3. The community chest cards are simply reasons why you should strike. 4. The game cannot finish until an American piece is played on the board to save the other players from their stinking pansy selves...
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Open Ice 2 on 2 Challenge
1999-01-09 Staff | Tanya Harding and Nancy Kerrigan finally square off for some no helmet, no gloves fighting. Due to Nancy's natural weapon (her giant teeth), Tanya is allowed to bring a lead pipe
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Wild Turkey Hunt
1999-01-09 Staff | You play one of four hillbillies. Someone has hidden the whiskey. Be the first to find it and sit back and sip some
Wild Turkey 101 Proof Straight Rye Whiskey. Made from a mash of 65% rye, 23% maize, and 12% barley malt, with a 33% sour mash component. Maize is indian for corn.
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