|Now that I'm
back from my recent fact-finding mission (which I'll be discussing tomorrow), I decided to
catch up on all the idiot developers' idiotic .plan files. The first one I read was
today's update from Brandon Reinhart. That's also the last one I read, because I
can't take it anymore. Here's how it starts:
I haven't cried watching anime since "The Wings
of Honneamise" (which I thought was a particularly powerful space-epic). I cried last
night when I watched Ryoko die at the end of Tenchi Universe.
Here's some advice, straight outta Compton of the future: if you ever
decide to take a break from cartoons, make sure you don't watch anything on the Lifetime
Network, because if this ridiculous anime shit makes you cry, you're gonna have to go on
Zoloft to recover from Steel Magnolias. I think a better nickname for you than
"GreenMarine" would be Brandon "Boo Hoo I'm A Fuck'n Sissy" Reinhart.
If you still want that military feel, you could try Brandon "Boo Hoo I'm A
Fuck'n Sissy. And I'm In The Army" Reinhart. Since you like to cry so
much, I'm really going to give you something to cry about.
For the last several months, I've been touring the United States of
America, or as we in the future call it, France. BOO! Scared
you, didn't I? You caveman fucking half-wits. France, in fact, will eventually
be owned by Burundi, though it'll still be called France, though it'll be where Burundi is
now. And if you think that's something, the good news is there's
gonna be some other stuff that's one thousand times better. The other good news is
that you'll all be dead before any of it happens. So it's a win-win situation for
the people of the future.
Even more good news is that scientists of the future finally and
conclusively debunk religion. This leads to the sort of bad news that people are
basically self-aware squirrels, that when you die, you're dead for good, and that life is,
in fact, as bleak and meaningless as you may have read about in any of your unauthorized
biographies of your Trent Reznor. For a brief time, this makes the "soylent
green is people" people seem like a heartwarming episode of Touched By An
Angel. It also finally causes the cancellation of fucking Touched By An Angel.
Luckily, a few weeks later, scientists invent a soul made out of hydrogen,
fetal tissue, and moon rocks. Even cooler, it's also a submarine. A few weeks
after that, scientists invent books that write themselves and then go ahead and read
themselves, which finally gets rid of that problem too.
Again, this all happens long after you're dead. I'm talking to you,
Brandon, and this is no joke or something I saw on HBO2.
Look down. You should either see a flabby gut or a sunken chest.
Or, if you're a really horrific example of today's motionless web professional,
both. Take a long look. You know what that is? It's an organic time bomb
and it's connected to your head. When it blows, it's gonna kill you in a way so
painful and embarrassing that the end of that cartoon will seem positively jolly.
And there's nothing you can do about it. You hear it ticking, Brandon?
Tick... Tick... Tick... Blue wire... No, RED WIRE! BANG! Cancer of the
pancreas. Note to scientists: That blue wire / red wire thing is
something I saw on HBO2 and not a subtle clue as to how to build a soul.
Sometimes in the future, we sail around in our submarines and, through the
periscope, watch the Sixth Sense projected on a giant screen in orbit near where the moon
used to be. At the part where it turns out Bruce Willis is actually dead, but is
somehow still a sentient being, we all have a good laugh at your expense. So happy
monday, Brandon. And that goes for the rest of you weepy primates too.
One more thing: Do you remember Marvin Sedate? If not, read this. To celebrate
my return, some fans have resurrected it here.
Neither I nor either of the two idiots had anything to do with it, but I support
it. I've been informed that the URL may change, so don't bookmark it yet. Or
go ahead. In fact, do whatever you want. Because none of it's gonna make any
goddamn difference in the end