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American McGee's Alice Review
2000-12-12 Erik Page 1 Page 2 Page 3 Page 4
The problem with making a dark and disturbing version of Alice in Wonderland is that it's pretty dark and disturbing to begin with, which gives it little training wheels that help cultural firebrands ride it into geniusdom once every eighteen months or so.  Masterminding a trippy reinterpretation of Lewis Carroll is like making a version of Crazy Traxi, only crazy!  At this point, about the edgiest thing you could do with Alice in Wonderland is try to make it a little less fucking insane.

This edgy 1932 Wizard of Oz board game was just a bloody dog's head in a box, which was legal at the time.

For those of you still stuck on Alice's creepy atmosphere, I decided that I would recreate its spirit of petulant rebellion right here in this review.  For free.

My first thought was that I'd really stick it to the Christian Savior.   It's an edgy concept, because it might upset old people like your grandparents and Harrison Ford and, as far as I knew, it hadn't been done before.  I decided I'd find a picture of Jesus Christ, have Chet kick me in the nuts, then piss blood all over it.  But while I was looking for a suitable portrait, I stumbled across this disturbing image some Internet crackpot made of Jesus nailed to a cross!

I was like "Ho-lee Mother of Fucker, somebody beat me to it."   Granted, that didn't stop American McGee, but I really wanted to cook up a spicy, but also eerie and creepy, edgy meatball for this review.  Anyway, here's what I eventually came up with:

If you're feeling comforted, but also anxious and disturbed, then welcome to Erik's Hallmark Sympathy Card™, the most harrowing expression of sympathy the world has ever known!  Chet took one look at it and was like, "whoa, we're not in Kansas anymore!"  Then he thought for a second and said "This isn't your Daddy's sympathy card anymore!"  Then he was like "You go girl!"   Then he was out of stuff to say. 

How did I achieve this effect?  It was simple.  And brilliant and sick and twisted.

  1. I started with already-edgy raw materials.  In this case, a sympathy card, which implies that there's probably a human corpse around somewhere.

  2. I turned the gamma way down to make the card appear därkyr, then spelled darker the way a Swedish black metal band might just before they burned up a church.

  3. I pricked my index finger, and used it to  transform the card's tranquil stream into a boiling sea of blood by rubbing my fingertip across it.  You don't want to forget this step.  Make sure you splash blood all over everything.

  4. Chet wiped a booger on the white space at the lower left end of the card.  I can't tell you why we did this, or why it's so effective.  Chalk it up to artistic intuition.

  5. Finally, I tilted the card at a funny angle.  Not funny ha ha, but funny insane!

The plot of the card is that we can't possibly know why things happen the way they do but that we should remember how much others care but also that the river runs red with blood!  Honest to God, that's about eight more words of plot than Alice has.   I really hope Miramax president Harvey Weinstein is reading this, because I have a lot of ideas for making it into a motion picture.  Series.  It's a chilling reinterpretation of condolence in which people seeking sympathy and other people seeking to express sympathy find only terror!  And some sympathy, so that girls will like it too.

Shemp Howard was the American McGee of the Three Stooges.  Here he is in "Ghost Crazy" his eerie reinterpretation of "Abbott and Costello Meet The Ghosts".  Perhaps the most insane part of the project is that he replaced the other two stooges with Max 'Slapsie Maxie' Rosenbloom (pictured).  Note skull.  


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