|
|
And Here's Where I Stopped Playing Mortyr 1999-07-22 Erik | Quit-to-desktop-kreig! Heil Reboot! Ctrl-Alt-Swastika! |
| 
Never again
|
| Deus Ex To Suck 1999-07-21 Erik | Anything using the Lithtech 2 engine to suck even more. |
|
Yesterday, Chet broke the
news to me that JFK, Jr. is dead. As is my habit lately, I had a looping MP3 of the
haunting piano part from Styx's Come
Sail Away blasting directly into my ears. "Oh no. No no no. Oh
my dear God. Oh dear sweet Jesus. Oh my precious, precious pony." I
sobbed, "Not Freddie Prinze, Jr. First Freddie Prinze and now this. Why,
God, wh-" Chet pulled my headphones off. "JFK, Jr., retard."
"Oh," I said, wiping tears from each eye with an index finger and inhaling a
bolus of snot dislodged by my ferocious grief, "Big deal. What are you telling
me for? I didn't do it." Apparently,
though, some of you are pretty busted up over this JFK, Jr. dying incident and since Loonygames, the gamer's traditional source for dead
celebrity grief, is out of business or something, I guess it's up to us to provide comfort
and answers to the big questions raised by an event like this.
Why do famous people and beautiful people have to die? I
saw Contact on HBO2 a few days ago and from it learned of Occam's Razor,
a rule of philosophy stating that among competing theories, the correct one is generally
the simplest based on known facts. Bringing Occam's Razor to bear on the root cause
of celebrity death, we can burn away the conspiracy theories, politically inspired
dissembling, and idle conjecture, leaving us with only one possible explanation:
Jews.
|
With that out of the way, let me just
say that something must be wrong with my browser, because yesterday I found it pointed at Computer Games Online. In a frantic attempt to
escape the site by randomly pressing any of the thousands of buttons and little windows
that swirled before my eyes, I ended up at a preview
for Ion Storm's other title, Deus Ex, and, tired from my struggle,
stopped and read it. Here's a snippet that - I think - is supposed to generate
excitement for the game:
Large warehouses stacked with crates are among Warren Spector's
favorite environments...
Not since the apparent untimely death of Freddie Prinze, Jr. have I so wanted to thrust
my arms skyward and scream to the heavens "Why?" Also among Warren
Spector's favorite environments: sewer, dungeon, elevator, and "outdoors"
(topless corridor enclosed by towering cliffs.)
|
This is a real picture of a warehouse stacked with crates.
Even if Ion Storm is able to utilize a perfectly photorealistic rendering engine, this is
as exciting as Deus Ex is likely to get. Note cool lens flare.
|
|
| New Guestbook up 1999-07-20 Chet | Against our better judgement |
| Our guestbook game now has a page at; Guestbook.
|
| Paul Steed To Customers: Nerrrrds! 1999-07-17 Erik | I haven't figured out what this site is. But it exists and is where I read the following.
|
|
In a refreshing display of candor, Paul Steed has admitted to
the great contempt he feels for the people who purchase his product and products like it:
"Play much UO or EQ?" I asked him. "How 'bout 'RL'
as in Real Life," he said. "Listening to single males who are obviously
undersexed talk about their big plans to play either game when they go home for the
evening really scares me.
How does the world's most dangerous toymaker spend his evenings?
When not driving drunk,
he can be found furiously arranging his dolls into humorous scenes of
rape.
This just in: Paul Steed may have a point. |
The World of Paul Steed
Paul Steed
You
|
|
| | "Jason? This Is Superbike. Why Are You Selling Me, Jason?" 1999-07-16 Erik | Maybe we'll all cut Monolith
CEO Jason Hall a well-deserved break now that he's revealed that the overall crappiness of
his company's product is not, as has been widely speculated, due to ineptness, but simply
because the entire organization is a front masking Jason's true intentions: building a
motorbike on which he can fight crime.
he was a sparkling, multi-talented holographic super hero who
jumped out of a mainframe and interacted in the real world.
Jason's new breathless corporate bio? Or a description of forgotten TV star Automan?
It refers to Automan, but you probably wouldn't know that unless I told you,
because the two are virtually indistinguishable at this point. Why then, if he's so
close to realizing his dream of finally reclaiming our punk filled streets, has he chosen
to sell the bike? Maybe on a test run it flipped over and landed on a pedestrian,
killing her and shaking his confidence in the whole idea; each new day becoming just
another opportunity to dull the painful memories with gin and when the gin ran out,
Robutussin or vermouth. Or maybe the bike was just proof of concept for his
real goal: a flying supercar. Perhaps, with the abject failure of Blood 2 and Shogo,
he just needs to pay the rent. My money's on either the crime fighting car or the
rent.
|
|
Hall's chrome superbike |
Liberace's French-provincial superpiano |
|
| You Asked For It. We Think. 1999-07-14 Erik | If you thought we were the salty scourge of My Nigga The Internet™ before, check us out now! |
| | Have you ever visited our main page? I hadn't until this morning.
While there, I discovered that Chet has finally gotten around to implementing a
guestbook. We originally wanted to have our own, but couldn't figure out how to set
it up, and, frustrated, gave up within two minutes. Marvin then had the brilliant
idea to simply sail the digital seas like peg-legged Arabs, hijacking one guestbook after
another until we're caught or killed. So, with a hearty "hi-ho matey" and
a fearsome "Walk the poop plank, swabbie" and one or two "Avast ye chet,
tis Salman Rushdie ta port!" and then some eye squinting and grrrrring, we proudly
present our weekly, rotating guestbook piracy feature.
|
This week's site is brought to you by the frelon dance company.
Please remember: On their site "Some
photographs contain stunts which we do not recommend you try unless skilled in the art of
dance."
To sign our new guestbook go here.
To view our new guestbook go here. |
If you decide to sign our guestbook, try not to mention us, seeing as we're now fugitives
and stateless. I've also set up a low bandwidth page where
you can check to see if we've updated lately.
|
| Final Fight: Stratego - Post Mortem 1999-07-11 Erik | At last, the full story behind the development of the hot new title from Murray's House of Murray! |
| | On friday, July 9th I arrived
at the office at 6am determined to add something new to the site. Sipping my coffee
and eating my entire cranberry bagel in two practiced bites, I considered my options.
I could stretch the prison thing out a little longer, but quite frankly it was
becoming tiresome. The Slugger, while unquestionably the
closest I've yet come to creating art that will survive long after I die of prostate
cancer in 2007 (thanks to Marvin for that info - ed.), had run its
course. Utilizing Bertold Brecht's theory of Verfremdungseffekt, The Slugger is meant to be experienced with critical detachment
and, as such, does not possess the gut punch immediacy of most comics. This
conscious stylistic choice seems to have alienated a large section of our readership.
While the work provoked them intellectually, most felt it was too radical a
departure for us and that were they interested in pure Marxist drama, they could go
elsewhere. At heart, I'm an entertainer not a theorist, and without a rag tag fleet
of happy visitors clicking on our ad banners, neither Chet nor I eat. So creating a
new Slugger episode was out. That left John Romero. But even I'm starting to
feel sorry for this poor guy, and I'm a diagnosed sociopath - youthful experiments with
animal tranquilizers have left me without the capacity to empathize with or recognize
suffering in others. It was while considering what it must be like to be aware of
the emotions of one's fellow humans (some kind of nightmarish Borg collective is my best
guess - how do you all live with yourselves?) that I dreamed up the idea of creating
a game. Just as a simple glance can lead to the mystery of sex and the miracle of
abortion, a great game often starts with nothing more than its title. The words
"Final Fight: Stratego" popped into my head fully formed. I didn't
consider any options, make any refinements, or worry over a list of candidates; I
asked my brain for a fabulous game title, and it immediately responded "How about
Final Fight: Stratego?" At this point, name in hand, I assumed the hard work
was done. Holy cum soaked teens, was I wrong. Over the two grueling hours it
took to bring the product from conception to internet demo, I would experience a lifetime
of heartbreak, triumph, loss, and more triumph. In the process, I received a
priceless education in game design and a more priceless $78,000 advance from Simon &
Schuster Interactive for the publishing rights.
What went right:
- Used off-the-shelf tools
I originally considered building all the design tools from scratch, including a
drawing package to be called Final Feditor. Ultimately, I abandoned this idea and
used the paint package that came free with our scanner. It offered all the
functionality I needed - plus a bunch of features I didn't use and didn't even understand.
In truth, the only thing it was missing was a clever name. Actually, it's
called PhotoImpact, which in retrospect is maybe even cooler than Final Feditor.
- Stole all images and many characters from pre-existing game
There isn't much else to say except that I really can't stress this one enough.
It was just a huge, huge time saver for me and allowed me to concentrate on my
technical strengths - cutting and pasting images from one windows application to another.
- Made a design document, stuck to it
I decided early on that, in order to meet my tight deadlines, it would be
critical that I have a clear plan of action. I took a subscriber card from
Next-Generation and in the margins wrote the two elements I wanted included in the game
(fighting, strategy). I then scotch-taped the card to the front of my workstation
and glanced over at it many times during the development process.
- Except when I didn't
It might surprise you to learn that Counselor Dog was not in my original design document
and was an 11th hour addition. Near the end of development, I realized that once a
player had completed the game through both fighting and strategy, there wasn't much else
to do. Essentially, the game lacked a complex system of player feedback; winning and
losing were the only possible outcomes. By adding a combination greek chorus and
supernatural advisor, I turned FF:S from a finite, two-state performance test into an
almost limitless virtual world. Cousleor Dog's advice and comments are contextual,
making it interesting for the player to try out new strategies and examine Mr. Jigs'
response.
- Focused on AI
Many players have commented that Bred is utterly lifelike in his presentation.
I need to thank myself here for all the hard work I did creating Bred's state-based
behaviors. At its core, the AI consists of seventeen different states each
influenced by twelve environmental factors - from proximity of Haggar to whether or not
Haggar is currently jumping. Fifteen of the seventeen states result in Bred becoming
enraged and punching Haggar. One of the states causes Bred to become realistically
confused and do nothing. When in the final state, Bred feels remorse for his
thuggish lifestyle. This is reflected by a lowering of defenses, allowing Haggar to
successfully punch, kick, or headbutt him.
What went wrong:
- Probably should have finished high school
I can trace most of what went wrong to this early mistake. While more of a
life choice than strictly a design decision, it nevertheless is worth mentioning.
|
| FF: Stratego Patch Released v1.2! 1999-07-09 Chet | Always trying to please, we heard your suggestions and leapt into action! |
| Items Fixed in Version 1.2:
*Load times have been decreased by shrinking the graphics.
*More tips have been added for the dog.
*A special bonus dog board has been added.
For all requests, bug reports, and suggestions, please use the FF:S support forum.
|
| New Game Demo! 1999-07-09 Erik | We always thought making a hit game would be difficult. We were wrong. |
| | I don't think anyone would argue with me when I say that
video games as an art form reached their peak in 1990 with the release of Capcom's Final
Fight. I've had a lot of time in the can to analyze this landmark work, and I think
I've come up, finally, with a worthy sequel. I call it Final Fight: Stratego.
The game itself is turn-based strategy, like Heroes of Might & Magic only
fifty times better. You are Mike Haggar and you must punch a thug called Bred until
he dies or else he will punch you to death. But here's the thing: you can
harvest and collect a resource called meat and eventually use it to build a phone
booth. If you manage to construct the phone booth, you win - strategically.
Also, you can strategize with counselor Dog. Listen to him, because he knows a lot
about the world of Final
Fight: Stratego. Sometimes you might not understand what he is telling you, but
think harder! It means something!
We have a few legal wrinkles to smooth over with the people at Capcom and Parker
Brothers, but I'm pretty sure the full game will be released this Christmas. Really,
when you think about it, I'm already in jail, so what are they going to do? Have me
killed in prison?
Play
Final Fight: Stratego!
|
| More Slugger! 1999-07-06 Erik | Incarcerated, I've created a new comic strip featuring the cast of Final Fight and Seanbaby. |
| Everything I have to say today, I'll say through my art:
The Slugger - part 2.
|
|
|
|
