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Staff To Blue: Keep Your Goddamn Charity Link 1999-04-22 Marvin | God knows why, but we got mentioned on Blues News. |
| There are two things I know for sure.
If you work non-union construction long enough, someone eventually craps in their
pants. It's just inevitable. You can thank long hours, inadequate bathroom
facilities, big men eating lots of greasy food, and an an office environment that
encourages beefy, open air farting. I spent the first eighty years of my adult life
laying a futuristic type of drywall, so you can trust me on this one.
The other thing I know is that the staff of OldManMurray will never take charity. Ever.
As clearly stated in our FAQ: If we were a little, starving baby bird and a kind
hearted larger bird tried to regurgitate an earthworm into our gaping maw, we'd spit it
right back into that stupid bird's gular sac, at the base of its dumb mandible. We
thought that metaphor would be pretty clear, but apparently not. I'll restate it
less poetically: Don't do us any favors and keep your goddamn "community"
the hell away from us (Note to VPs of marketing: keep those hats and T-shirts
coming - ed.) We don't remember the old days when all twelve of you were so happy
listening to your .mp1s and installing your five cent force feedback joysticks.
We're old, but we're a new breed, baby. We don't care about you or your fancy
stinking "community". We're working class heroes and we're mad and when
we're not playing Rollercoaster Tycoon we're making murder/suicide pacts. Did you
mistake us for idiots with some Quake 3 Arena screenshots? Do you think we're bums
in desperate need of your largess? It's bad enough that that old drunk Levelord is
ruining our good name, do you have to help? Here's a link to The Mushroom. Next time you think about
mentioning us, please use it. Thanks.
Erik is so mad, he just invented another new swear word: Analinkus - the act of
publishing a bunch of ass kissing charity links. Go perform your sweet analinkus on
some other website, neither we nor our readers appreciate that kind of behavior.
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| George Lucas - Some Kind Of Imbecile? 1999-04-19 Erik | Part 2 of our ongoing "Some Kind Of Imbecile?" series. This episode also contains part 3, "Bill Moyers - Some Kind Of Imbecile?" |
| Time magazine, the news source for
people who feel that televsion reporting is too complex, has published on their web site
an interview
with trillionaire puppet master George Lucas. In it, Bill Moyers hammers him with
question after question designed to thoroughly lubricate the very eligible bachelor's
puckering asshole. The twenty or so questions - or marriage proposals, if you prefer
- break down into two basic categories: "Is Star Wars the new Bible?" and
"Are you God?"
Answering the second question, Lucas has this to say:
I think there is a God. No question. What that God is or what we
know about that God, I'm not sure. The one thing I know about life and about the human
race is that we've always tried to construct some kind of context for the unknown. Even the cavemen thought they had it figured out. I would say that cavemen understood on a scale of about 1. Now we've made it up to about 5. The only thing that most people don't
realize is the scale goes to 1 million.
Does realizing that the "Faith As A Construct For The Unknown" scale goes to
to one million give Lucas an extra point, putting him at six? I think it should.
He intimates that there are other people who recognize the vast dimensions of the
scale. Ron Howard, perhaps? As an amateur paleoanthropologist myself, I've
always felt that cavemen were at two on the scale, and that the talking dinosaurs
that washed their dishes and ran their record players were actually one.
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| Asia In Shock: Super-Deformed Baby Hideous, Not Viable Outside Womb 1999-04-17 Erik | Also does not know karate, will not endorse thick, kumquat flavored sports drinks. |
| Not since thinking they could drop bombs on
America's "favorite vacation paradise" have the Japanese been so forcefully
disabused of a bad idea. They have a long standing tradition of infantilizing - or
"Super Deforming" - their favorite characters from games and television and
pitting them against each other in battles to the death and gem popping contests.
Most western observers have concluded that the Japanese are drawn to this activity in the
hopes that the wild contortions involved in these extreme physical encounters may afford
them illicit glimpses of the baby fighters' little baby underpants. In the city of
Hakone last week, a grand experiment to breed what was to be the first of Japan's real
life Super Deformed baby fighters has ended in a failure for Japanese innovation and a
triumph of long standing biological realities. Last October, seventeen year old Kiko
Nogaki was impregnated on Japan's favorite reality based variety hour "OK,
Rape!" then locked in a glass coffin and fed nothing but rice wine and
cigarettes. A realtime fetal sonogram was broadcast nationwide as pundits debated
the relative merits of "Manka!'s" increasingly large head and withered limbs and
their effect on its ability to combat an SD version of Street Fighter's Ken. On
April 12th, a team of visiting Chilean surgeons noted that the fetus was anencephalic, had
no brain stem, no lungs, and could not possibly survive outside of Kiko's womb.
Countrywide panic resulting from a mistranslation of their observations as "Manka! is
psychic devil, will blow up National soccer stadium with giant head!" ended on April
13th when the former embryo quietly expired of natural causes.
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| 1980-1989: The Stamp 1999-04-15 Erik | Kids, in the eighties there was basically one video game with a bunch of different names and if you wanted a close up view of someone using a toilet, you had to let them crap on your face. |
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| Some of you may have missed the almost daily reminders that we are the
only game site officially endorsed by the U.S. Postal Service.
In case you did, we are. One of the many perks we
receive from such an unprecedented affiliation is that the government has come to rely on
our seemingly supernatural insight into the common man's stamp theme desires and routinely
asks for our input on all new stamp designs. We've been directly responsible for
many of this year's popular collections including Heroes of Black History Missing
Their Panties, Ayn Rand Missing Her Panties, Honoring
Those Who Served Without Panties, and Milk Squirting Aquarium Fish.
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The Government, while fully capable of designing a spaceship to kill you from orbit
around Pluto, has no idea that Marvin was not a central character in Namco's Dig Dug.
We utilized that piece of information in our design of the Dig Dug stamp pictured
above.
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Naturally, when it was recently announced that video games
would be receiving their own stamp series, we were brought in for a gala opinion giving
luncheon. Apparently, the collection will actually commemorate the 1980's through
video games, but unfortunately it was a pretty dry decade for electronic entertainment.
It took us all of three minutes to realize the only memorable title from that
period is Dig Dug. We couldn't think of seven Dig Dug related stamps, so we simply
created one and padded the set out with several other ideas we'd been working on such as Spanish
Interest In Toilet Cams, Fat People Are Sexy When They're Naked, Old Smelly Jimmy
Stewart, Celebrating Three Or Four Years Of Kwanzaa, and Our Continuing
War Against Mummys. |
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| Erik Is A Pussy: Fishing Games To Blame? 1999-04-13 Chet | Erik is too busy with the lawyers right now, so I will report on this. |
| In a move that surprises no one around the
office, Erik is suing the makers of three fishing games for turning him into a
pussy. For years Erik played only the manliest of simulations: action shooters and
pornographic card games. He wouldn't even play real time strategy games. He felt
that they were violent, but not violent - and certainly not sexy - enough for the likes of
Erik. Instead, he was normally found reclined with a squealing woman on each arm as
he tore his way through hordes of satanic demons and yawned theatrically at the huge point
and health penalties he accrued as he ruthlessly gunned down the hostages or strippers he
was supposed to protect. That has all changed with Erik's recently
discovered love for fishing games. Now he spends his days curled up on a padded
chair, alone, rocking back and forth as he waits for a virtual "bite".
How can he be sure he is a pussy? I like to think my daily half-hour chants of
"Erik is a pussy" has helped him see the light. His newfound love of
Leonardo DiCaprio merchandise and Leonardo DiCaprio could be the other clue.
What about the thousands of people who play fishing games and have not turned into
pussies? Erik responds (taken from a deposition - ed.): "Do you think
that just because feces drop out of an orifice, that orifice cannot be called - and in
fact be used as - a pussy? Is that what you're asking me?" We will
probably not continue to update this story, as it will surely be widely reported
elsewhere.
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| A New Service For The Community 1999-04-10 Erik | The fact that somewhere a camera is secretly pointed right up the business end of a toilet and somewhere else someone is hacking a password so we can see it for free is all the thanks we need. |
| If you're like us - and the focus group
polling that Ziff Davis's PR firm conducts for each of our updates tells us that you are -
then you spend some small portion of each day checking to see if Bitch-X has updated her page. It's a
necessary but frustrating and ultimately fruitless daily exercise. Wouldn't it be
nice if some single person could perform this task for all of us and report the
results right here at your other daily stop? And wouldn't it be even nicer if that
person was eighth US president Martin Van Buren? Well guess who's done the legwork,
signed the contracts, hammered out the code, and delivered to the community just what the
community so desperately deserves. It wasn't Blues, brother, and it sure as hell
wasn't your friend in space. It was us - the only game related website to guarantee
[guarantee forthcoming - ed.] that we care about you. We've spent the last
several weeks developing a proprietary technology we call The Martin Van Buren Bitch-X
Update Alert System.
Here's how it works:
- During a normal day of Bitch-X inactivity you will see the "all clear" graphic
in the "Latest Updates" box at the upper left of the page:
Simply ignore this image - this is Martin "the little magician" Van Buren's way
of telling you that "the show's over", "there's nothing to see here",
and that you should "move along."
- In the unlikely event that Bitch-X updates her page, we will display this dramatic
approximation of Martin Van Buren as he would appear if he were alive today:
Click immediately on "the little magician's" unkillable devil head to be taken
to Bitch-X.
It's all pretty simple, and that's what makes it a million dollar idea. We are
currently in negotiations with 3D Realms to create the Zachary Taylor Prey Has Been
Cancelled Alert System.
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| TGIFAYDBR - Thank God It's Friday And You Didn't Buy Requiem 1999-04-09 Erik | I wish I had your luck. Normally I'd just make this a review, but I'm Chet-style mad today. |
| Just like every US president can't be
Martin Van Buren, not every FPS can be Half Life. I understand that and I'm fine
with it. I bought 3DO's Requiem two days ago and enjoyed it for about three
hours. It looks nice enough, the enemies are well animated, and the load times are
painless - a fun game stapled to a simultaneously pretentious and dumb story that has
something to do with the bible and saving your girlfriend.
The Jews had to crucify Jesus and poke him with spears to make him cry to the heavens
"God, why have you forsaken me?" All it took for the geniuses at Cyclone
to elicit this same behavior from me was to include a boss monster (the second encountered
in the game) that is incredibly resilient yet shows no reaction to your attacks and has
absolutely no indicators as to how close to death it is. I fought this thing for a
long time, dodging its three repeated attacks for far too long with absolutely no idea
whether or not I was progressing at all towards my goal of killing it. In the long
list of stupid, inexcusable game design flaws, this is number one. I'm done with
Requiem - I don't have time for this kind of unpardonable amateurism. Does Cyclone
think I'm an idiot? Did the playtesters think this was fun? Did nobody at
Cyclone ever play any Sega Genesis games, which all managed to solve this simple
design problem back when Flock Of Seagulls was still together? Games, unlike movies,
books, and many other forms of entertainment, cannot transcend a "bad scene."
In a movie, for instance, I can simply daydream about killing Salman Rushdie during
any of the parts where Keanu Reeves is talking and then refocus my attention when the film
starts up again. In a game, like Requiem, I have to stay alert and fully experience
and navigate the inadequate parts, making bad design choices essentially unbearable.
Here's a 3DO press release for ya: Gayman Has Erik's Fifty Bucks
Goddamn it.
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| Valve's Ted Backman Knows Karate, Okays TFC For Release 1999-04-07 Erik | I'm not as sure about the Ted Backman being responsible for releasing TFC as I am about the Ted Backman knowing karate part. I mean, I'm happy with the fact that TFC is free, but I'm not satisfied. I wish Gabe Newell would make Ted Backman try to stop a bullet with his tough karate. That'll be the day. You're a real tough man with your karate. If I was a thin piece of wood I'd be pretty scared or if you knew my real name or how to get a hold of me. |
| | In a move that can only be interpreted as a
plea for gamers, who all already own a copy of Half-Life, to buy a second copy, Valve
owners and billionaire philanthropists Gabe Newell and Mike Harrington have released a
professionally designed, completely free add on called Team Fortress. There isn't
much else to say. We were accidently placed on a special list - maybe a mixup
involving the fact that Chet takes a special bus to work - and last week a nice lady
called Jenni at Valve sent us a copy to try out. It is fun. Kind of stuttery
over my 56k modem, but since it's free, what the hell. Not that that would stop Chet
from complaining, mind you, but he's got an ISDN modem and doesn't know or care what I go
through. His lack of human compassion is what makes him the site's resident
strident, crusading voice of a generation of disgruntled gamers while I remain the voice
of people who are openly afraid of the Rapture and other people who's job it is to track
down the duck and bunny pictures that Chet likes so much. Do you know how many gaming
industry blood feuds Chet is involved in? About fifty - and we're not talking blood
feuds with faceless AOL members or blood feuds with the PlanetCrap people that involve
dissecting each other's posts like Rabbis arguing over the Talmud. These are blood
feuds with some of the biggest names in gaming like Levelord and Jason Hall and Cliff
Blezinski and Paul Steed and, in what has become a genre of gaming in itself - a sort of
class action blood feud, Dr. Derek Smart, PHD. Each of these people desperately
wants to fight Chet at E3, and this year they're finally going to get their wish.
Chet has a special message for all of you: He's seen you walking your gay little
dogs and isn't afraid. He thinks that sometime during E3 you're all going to have to
change your middle names to "why is there blood spraying out of my lip?" except
for Levelord who may just have to make that his last name or break his name into two
parts, then insert it. Chet says he's going to bend Dr. Smart's arm back until he
tearfully admits his name is Dr. Stupid. Then he's going to take the dumb doctor's
thirteen dollar E3 hotdog and give it to me and then I'm going to take it and give it to
the Lara Croft lookalike and then I'm going to give her eighty dollars and then we're
going to have cyber-sex, only without the chatting if you know what I mean. If you don't,
ask your parents because that's how you were made - Daddy got caught visiting a whore and
made it up to Mommy by putting his sperm in a cup and sending it to a lab along with one
of those hairs on his back so that the lab, once they made sure Daddy's hair wasn't fly
hair, could manufacture a seed for Mommy to plant in her bottom. Chet also says that
for any of you who still think you're tough, he plans on planting his foot so far up your
ass that the Fire Department will have to be called to separate the two of you or a shoe
tree might grow out of you mouth. He also says, in a menacing, sarcastic tone,
"is that your tough low poly naked female model? Maybe I want to jerk off to
your tough low poly naked female model." Then he puts his palm on your face and
pushes you to the ground and bends your arm back until you admit your name is Paul Stupid.
Chet's on a rampage and there's nothing I can do. Normally I'm the great
peacemaker, like a very muscular Winston Churchill, but this time I'm not going to stand
in the way of all the name calling and arm bending. My advice to Chet's enemies at
E3 is to attack quickly and without warning or remorse. That and punching him in his
weak spot - the neck - are the only chances you've got. Here is a picture of him:
Chet reflecting on what amazing pussies you all are.
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| Westwood Releases Game For The Disabled. 1999-04-04 Chet | This was on Westwood's Press Release Page |
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| | G.O.D. More Popular Than Jesus 1999-04-02 Chet |
| Mike Wilson, CEO of GOD and some kind of futuristic self promotion
android, is taking game hype to brave new levels. Not content with designers and
publishers hyping the game itself, he has taken to hyping the publishing company,
and more importantly, the CEO of the publishing company. Stealing phrases from every
5th grader's gaming web site, he suggests that we should respect him because he is for
gamers by gamers or some crap like that. He wants us to like GOD because the
Industry is consolidating and small companies will be pushed out, yet GOD partnered with
Take 2 who is on a game company buying spree. That doesn't bother Mike! He
understands the hype machine - lie all you want, ignore the facts, just hype, hype, hype. |
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In an effort to appease our new masters at Ziff Davis, we're going to start
tempering our more insane diatribes with either opposing viewpoints or soothing images.
Here is a picture of the Easter bunny and a duck
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Of course GOD is all about quality. They would never
"cash in" and fund a quick, somehow gamer-unfriendly, Deer Hunter-esque title.
Yet they publish Jazz Jackrabbit 2, probably the worst platform game made during this most
recent millennium. How does Mr. Wilson cover up the stink blowing out of this
title's overactive stinkhole? "Jazz Jackrabbit 2, even though it will
never sell AAA numbers, was widely acclaimed and called the best game of its type ever
made." Does he mean widely as in all the way from the desk of the GOD
employee who sits right near the entrance to the office manager's cubicle back by the
men's room? I know the ass kissing loonygames rascals had some kind words for it, or
manufactured some tortuously narrow category to name it best of, but I will tell you right
now, Jazz the Jackrabbit2 is not half the game the original Earthworm Jim was on the
Genesis. And we are comparing a release last year to a console game - on an old
platform - released during our first war with Iraq.
So why does Loonygames not call Mike on any of this? Lets look back: here the loony one himself gives
JJ2 its only known positive review. (OGR had a positive review up for all of 7 days and
then took it down - even OGR showed some self-respect) Oddly enough, in the same
"issue", loonygames actually published a detailed, glowing analysis of the intro to JJ2. The
intro. I should probably change the headline of this article to "When
Friends Interview Friends."
One last note, at the GOD games web
site, Mike misses no chance to hype, calling himself "a driving force behind
some of the most successful game companies in the industry." His first
venture Dwango? Failure. Id? He was hired on and then left with Romero.
What did he drive there? Carmack's car to get it waxed if he was lucky. Ion
Storm? He was thrown out by Todd "don't let my hand grab your ass on the way
out" Porter. Then onto GOD, where he claims to not be in control of the
developers, merely helping to facilitate their distribution. So what in the hell has
he ever driven besides a train wreck? Oh that's right, he is a master of piloting the hype
machine. Make sure to check out the GOD game hype machine at a web site near you! |
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