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New Lifestyle Compass For Chet! 1999-05-02 Chet | This is about me, and
reported by me. |
| After years of living my life
based on a few cliches erik's mother told me and the lyrics of Rammstein, I have
decided I need to find a new compass for my life. I haven't been doing much news
reporting lately, as I've been trying to base my life on video games and have been forced
to play them for up to fourteen hours at a time. Sanatorium seems to be the game
closest to having a real point for those looking for lifestyle guidance, but since I don't
have amnesia, I ultimately decided I shouldn't base my life on it. Other than some
general rules, there isn't much on which to base a life in games. Sure there are a
couple of useful nuggets of wisdom - pick up any health you can, the gun you're born with
should quickly be replaced, more expensive armor is generally better, if Monolith ever
starts designing passenger jets, go Greyhound, etc. - but none of it amounts to much,
especially as you age and start feeling unsimulated death and the fiery maw of Hell
closing in on you.
I thought I'd try Black Metal music. It seems to be the thing the kids are doing.
How better to recapture my youthful exuberance? But I guess I'm even older
than I thought - I couldn't make out anything anyone was singing about in their gravelly
death voices. I think for a few days I based my life on something about women
kissing the rain from Greece. I am not sure.
Then came the Shootings in the Mountains, or the Mile High Killers thingy. Most
forms of music seemed to blame. But what about pop music? All of the incisive
reports covering the killings dwelt on Metal, Industrial, Goth, atonal Jazz, and other
forms of 'outsider' music. Those styles are obviously evil, no question. If I
had a time machine, I'd certainly go back in time and kill Hitler, but on my way I'd first
stop and murder Judas Priest. Yet, not even the most strident media critic blames
N'Sync, The Backstreet Boys, or One Thousand Degrees Kelvin for the Columbine
shootings. So I've decided to live my life based on top 40 music. And why piss
around with lesser songs, I went right for America's #1 pop smash. It's safe, sane,
and girls like it. Young girls.
The current #1 song "Livin' La Vida Loca" is by
Ricky Martin. I am not sure I've learned enough about Ricky yet to base my life on
him. Everything I know about him I've picked up at this Isreali
Ricky site. Please jump over there and join me on the discussion boards. I
need help here.
I can't find any lyrics in English, but so far I think all I need to do is have a nice ass
(which Erik says I do), smile often, and somehow pout while I smile. Verbally I may
be limited, but maybe that is what it takes to be a well adjusted person. Total
silence, a cute smile and a hot ass.
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| | Molyneux To People Of The Sun: You're Violent Primates 1999-05-01 Erik |
Next Generation today published an interview with Peter Molyneux, the
effete British technician directly responsible for such legendary crapola as Theme Park.
Unaware of the fact that I feel the world needs another monster breeding game like
I need another hole in my ass, Molyneux continues to work on his monster breeding opus,
Black and White. The excitable staff of NG make their highly aroused condition quite
clear right from the start of the conversation by stating that Black and White "is forecast by many to achieve what so many other titles have tried but
failed to do - create a new gaming genre" They don't mention exactly how
Lionhead Studios is going to travel back in time and release their new title before
Monster Rancher, Populous, Pokemon, and the twelve hundred million other mutant husbandry
and god games released since our giant, talking ape ancestors clawed their way out of the
primordial ooze . Many of our young readers have been reporting to us a new
schoolyard legend involving five quarts of Peter Molyneux's spunk having to be pumped out
of the stomach of the gaming press, which may explain Next Generation's lack of comment as
Molyneux declares:
There are nine different tribes and they would have the
attributes that gamers would have pre-knowledge of. For example, they would expect the
Aztec tribes to be more blood-thirsty than say the Greek tribe.
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The World of
Peter Molyneux
Europe
South of Europe
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Once again we find ourselves in the uncomfortable
position of having to defend John Romero and, we suspect, Paul Steed. The Aztecs
were a peaceful race of scientists and theologians who worked feverishly, like swarthy,
loinclothed Keebler elves, to invent chocolate. One of the little people would
occasionally swoop down on a jungle vine to rip a companion's heart out with his bare
hands then hold the still beating organ above his head while shrieking, but mostly it was
just chocolate inventing.
This outpouring of bile leaves Molyneux in the fugue state he is recently prone to during
which he completely abandons reality and starts speaking in tongues about the playstation
2:
One big factor to be untapped up to now is 'emotion'. PlayStation
2 looks as though it could have this covered, but we'll have to wait and see.
Another Peter Molyneux-anticipated feature of the Playstation 2
is 'jamming' which blocks the microwave radiation Central American governments use to read
his thoughts. |
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Where we at? 1999-04-29 Chet | Erik is basically missing. What follows is conjecture. |
| Sorry for the four days of no updates.
You let people tell you E3 is in May. We know better and will be back soon.
After our little industry trip, we each went our seperate ways for a few days.
Erik has currently been on his book tour for promoting "Penis Growth, The
Bonsai Method." Once you get past the sticks and wire, it is the only
known Penis Growth option that works every time and allows you to curve it for her
pleasure or simply make funny shapes. Nothing compares to the timeless opulence of a
hooked penis.
Marvin took his first cyber trip to explore the other game sites. He came back and
prototyped the design he wants to use for the OldMan. He was heavily influenced by
vaporware favorite Sharkyextreme. You can view
the prototype here, and please send all feedback to Marvin.
Chet slept.
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| Camille Paglia: The Analinkus 1999-04-29 Erik | Camille Paglia has a great assessment of
the Columbine killings in her Ask Camille
column this week. Here's a quote:
The mental energy presently being recreationally diverted by
teens to the Internet and to violent video games (one of the last arenas for masculine
action, however imaginary) is clearly not being absorbed by school. We have a gigantic
educational assembly line that coercively processes students and treats them with Ritalin
or therapy if they can't sit still in the cage. The American high school as social scene
clearly spawns internecine furies in sexually stunted young men -- who are emotionally
divorced from their parents but too passive to run away, so that they turn their inchoate
family hatreds on their peers. Like the brainy rich-kid criminals Leopold and Loeb (see
the 1959 film "Compulsion"), the Columbine killers were looking for meaning and
chose the immortality of infamy, the cold ninth circle of the damned.
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| Holy Mother Of God Game Creator Peter Molyneux! 1999-04-29 Erik | The Martin Van Buren Bitch-X Update Alert
System seems to have worked and let me just say that this is not a test.
Not only did Bitch-X update, she is announcing the potential cancellation of Prey, as
alluded to in our original Bitch-X Update Alert System story. What a time to be old
and alive!
When will the "all clear" graphic return? That's a good question.
Perhaps not until the world is free from the tyranny of government sponsored
tyranny. Blah blah blah fuck this fucking police state. Go click on Martin Van
Buren's devil head.
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OldManMurray Demands Release Of Mumia Abu-Jamal, Q3:Arena Test 1999-04-25 Erik | Whose government do I have to violently overthrow to get these goddamn things done? |
| In another unprecedented occurrence, erik
has no story to go along with the headline that made him so angry.
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OldManMurray Addresses Society's Most Dangerous Outcasts 1999-04-25 Erik | Please don't kill anyone. If that appears undoable, just don't kill us. If you find even that request too restricting, let me just say that Chet strikes me as something of a fascist. |
| In the wake of being declared the official game site of the
Utopian Anarchist Party, we've received several angry emails implying that our mention
of the incident is tantamount to an endorsement of murder. Let me make this
perfectly clear: OldManMurray in no way supports the non-virtual killing of American
humans. Although we do reserve the right to support the legal destruction of human
fetuses for both self defense and personal convenience.
Let's face it, it's not like these anarchists are planning on releasing Blood 3, they're
just going to make some pipe bombs that will most likely be used to accidently blow each
others fingers off. We also realize that many of our new anarchist friends are
simply in need of some guidance and compassion. So, in an unprecedented display of
gamer / murderer solidarity, OldManMurray is now a hybrid gaming/anarchy
site. Since it's the weekend, and the US Government is closed, we haven't been able
to ask them how this will affect our status as their official game site. So far
they've been pretty understanding, so I imagine we'll simply become the official militant
anti-government gaming web site of the US Government. As a first step towards
reintegrating our many new anarchist visitors into the mainstream youth culture of
strictly simulated ultra-violence, we'll be publishing a series of articles designed to
help them make the transition. Here's a quick one to get you started:Choosing
An Alias
In order to be an informed particpant in the violent world of online killing contests,
each player must choose an alias and choose it wisely. This screen name will in many
cases be the only piece of data from which your victims can gather any information about
your worldview. As such, it must make them aware of your deep social dissatisfaction
and your even deeper alienation from mainstream political thought, while never letting
them forget that you motherfucking R00L. Here are some examples we've created to get
you started:
- Chairman P0W!
- Rage Against The Machine and Campers
- Noam Bombsky
- Ho Chi PokeMihn
- Martin Luger King
- Karl Marxman
- Winona La Nuke
- Eldridge Meat Cleaver
- Deng Xiao Low Ping Bastard
These next two are for patriots only:
- Millard Killmore
- Martin Van Railgun
These will all be taken quickly, but you get the idea. Have fun with it.
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| Size Does Matter? 1999-04-24 Chet | | "989
Sports™ announced today Opening Day of the MLB™ 2000 "Locker Room
Challenge™." Players throughout MLB will be competing against each
other..." That's as far as I got... I can't take
it anymore. Must every part of the human anatomy be put on display and be
judged? It was bad enough when Erik received an offer to enter the Mr. Thymus Gland
USA contest (he placed a distant fourth due to a low T-Cell count). Now Major League
Baseball is no longer willing to judge its players by the whole of their talent?
Instead we now must slice and dice a player and judge him on his component parts?
Just as baseball hitters are not judged on their arm strength alone, but on the entire
mechanics of hitting, I believe 989 should widen their narrow view, and expand the contest
to the entire love making process. And if it must stay in the Locker Room, mano à
mano, then so be it. Let us not judge our sportsmen simply on their equipment
but on their entire "package".
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OldManMurray Now Friends Of The Enemies Of The State 1999-04-24 Erik | So this is what it feels like to be Marilyn Manson. |
| It has come to our attention that we have
been declared the official game
site of the Utopian Anarchist Party. We are now the only intenet news source
(gaming or not) to be recognized by both the US Government and the
seditious rebels trying to violently overthrow it.
We've been placed on the UAP's "spamanifesto" list and after trying to
make sense of their transgressive messages, the only thing we can unequivocally state is
that they are serious. Unfortunately, we can't wholly reciprocate the endorsement,
as their apparent support for gay nazi teens blowing up the only black kid in school is
not what we consider a progressive political statement. On the other hand, we
certainly support their right to express their sometimes misguided opinions and in no way
wish to infringe on anyone's desire to fashion a worldview from the writings of insane
despot Adolf Hitler and romance novelist Anne Rice. We also feel that one can never
have enough maniacal anarchists on one's side. Note to Adrian Carmack: the UAP
has been fully briefed on the Quake 3 Arena Mac demo situation and let's just say they
aren't pleased.
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America Experiences Third Massacreless Day: Quake To Thank? 1999-04-23 Erik | Praying faster may have worked. |
| Thousands of disenfranchised American teens
who might otherwise be killing and eating babies have instead spent a quiet three days
playing violent video games and misspelling "lose" as "loose".
Media critics are describing this period of unprecedented harmony as a "new world
utopia" and assure concerned citizens that the nation is once again morally
solvent. The staff of OldManMurray would like to thank our many young readers for
realizing the error of their ways and for not slowly driving barbed sticks into the
eyeballs of their more popular peers, then laughing hysterically as they urinate on the
corpses. As a reward, we're going to let you in on a secret only adults know:
smoking is cool.
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